My Mothering Evolution - Benjamin

Tanner and Benny are best buddies!


So sometimes I might be a little too open on my blog. I think it's just my perception of what my blog's purpose is. I really feel that for me it is an outlet for many of my feelings and thoughts about things in my life. Thats just how it is. So sorry if I'm a little personal at times - I guess I just feel that on my blog I'm amongst friends so its ok.

My little Benjamin has changed my life so much. Yeah its an adjustment to go from 1 to 2 kids, but he has brought challenges that I never hoped or expected to experience. Tanner and Benjamin are physically complete opposites. Its really quite ironic. Tanner was an amazing baby - very normal - I went through the same experience with him that all parents go through with their first child. Complete and total obsession. Of course he was perfect and beautiful as all children are and I could sometimes be completely content just sitting and watching him all day long. Becoming a mother was the most extraordinary experience I had had in my life! I felt that motherhood was something that I could handle and being the stubborn person that I am felt I didn't need much help or advice from other people as things always seemed to turn out fine. Since Tanner seemed so easy I was feeling set to tackle another child.

I've learned that things just don't work out as you plan sometimes. Of course all your children are unique and come with their own different challenges and abilities, but I was not prepared to have a child with quite so many challenges! Benjamin was born with a very small cerebellum as many of you know. We didn't learn this until he was about 4 months old. The ironic thing is that Tanner has always been very physically active and if anything physically gifted (of course I am a very biased mother). The cerebellum is the part of the brain that controls all of your motor skills, coordination, balance, and in Benjamin's case affects his eye movement somewhat. So he has a very difficult time with anything physical which is very different from Tanner.

So now I have 3 therapists and about 4 doctors and no one can tell me anything about Benjamin. To just randomly be born with a small cerebellum is such a rare thing - and the brain is so complex - that there is really nothing anyone can say. Its basically all up to me to do everything I can to help Benjamin become the best he can be. Its a task that is usually very overwhelming and I feel that I usually fail on a daily basis. The only thing that helps me is my knowledge that he will be completely fine someday. His brain will learn to compensate for what he lacks. He will crawl - eventually - he will walk - eventually - he's just gonna have to do it in his own time.

I apologize for maybe sounding negative and down about the whole situation with Benjamin - because really most of the time I am totally fine. He is such a beautiful and perfect little boy and brings our family so much joy! His strengths are how social and talkative he is - luckily we don't worry about him mentally. I think that would be much harder for me. It does not change the fact that I do always feel a kind of knot in my stomach. Every parent expects all their children to be perfect, and when they aren't, its the hardest thing ever. There is so much unknown with Benjamin and I get stressed out. It has gotten much easier the past month or so the more I see how he is making progress - although slowly - and just the different experiences I've had with him that help me know he is fine. I'm sure this experience is almost more for me to learn from than him. I need to learn patience. But right now I feel like I just need to let some emotions out. It is so hard! When you have a baby some of the funnest things are watching them grow and do new things everyday! I sometimes feel like I am just missing out on so much with him because he doesn't do much. I wish he could just hold his head up well and grab toys and play and sit and crawl and everything like all babies do! It is so amazing when they learn how to do all these things so quickly and it brings such joy! I know I shouldn't feel this way because he is still fun and it will be extremely amazing when he finally does learn to do these things, but I just don't know when it will be. And its totally different. It is really hard sometimes to watch other babies and see how much they are doing and how fun they are and then I look at my sweet little Benny and he is just laying there, with all the capabilities, but his brain is just not communicating with his body on what it should do! Really its fine when I see other babies cause its just normal - thats how babies are supposed to be - but then I realize how behind my baby is. I know comparing is bad - and thats not what I do - its just hard - probably especially hard because I remember what it was like with Tanner.

Wow I am really having a hard time trying to express what I am trying to say. Sorry if none of this makes sense and sounds stupid. Its really hard to explain and understand unless you have a child with some difficult problems. It is crazy how many things can happen and be wrong with a child!!!!!! There are so many difficult things that can happen to people. I know there are so many many worse things that could be wrong with Benjamin than what he has. I mean really it might be hard for the first few years of his life, but once he gets walking down I don't see what could hold him back from having a completely normal life. He has already improved so much since we've learned of his problem. His eyes are already so much better - in fact they should be practically normal after the first couple years of his life. He holds his head up so much better than he used to, he sits up better, and he is starting to really grab things better and be more motivated to get things.

I feel like there is so much I could say, but I don't really know how to say it.

Anyway, I just felt a need to somehow talk about this little "burden" I have had for the past few months. I cannot deny that it has probably been the absolutely most difficult time in my life. Being a parent can be so stressful and I now realize that I definitely need all the help that I can get. If nothing else so far, this experience has humbled me.